The Relationship Thread

Well, my friend Jake (name checked in my sig) and I have become a lot closer the past few months, and he's become my best friend. As our friendship grew, so did my feelings for him. It was sometime in late March that I realized that I am in love with him. Everyone I knew pressured me to tell him, so I sent him an anonymous message on tumblr and came right out and said it. Sounds familiar, right? Yeah, well, he said he really wanted to get to know me, so he gave me his email address, and we began emailing. At one point, he asked for my life story, so I sent a novel-length email about my struggles, and I never received a reply. My other BFF Desi totally yelled at him for ignoring her "anonymous friend" and forwarded the message to him again. He read it, then promptly asked her if it was me. She refused to answer him, so the next day at school when I leaned up to give him my daily kiss-on-the-cheek, he asks "Are you anonymous?" I freaked the fuck out and almost cried, and he asked me to stay after school to talk to him. I panicked, but all that happened was he and I cuddled like we always do, and he mentioned that I had a beautiful life story. We remained best friends, but I still feel kind of awkward around him. I know that he has feelings for me, but he refuses to start something because he's spending the summer in NYC, and when he returns he'll be in college. He doesn't want to hurt me. And the other day I'm pretty sure I found out that his feelings are the same level as mine, if you know what I mean.

Yesterday, however, he actually broke my heart. I never realized it would hurt this bad. He totally got himself a girlfriend, but from the way it sounded, she's just a fuck-buddy. So he won't even give me a chance, even though he's supposedly in love with me, but he'll fuck some other girl even though he knows it won't go anywhere. That hurts me more than anything else.

I'm really good friends with his ex-girlfriend. When they were dating, you'd never see one without the other, but now they don't even look at each other. Anyray, She asked me who broke my heart, and I told her honestly. She was so pissed. She knew that I had a thing for him apparently, but when I told her what he said to me, she was livid. Then when I told her who his fuck-buddy is, she looked murderous. Apparently, this isn't the first time that they've done the horizontal tango. They've apparently been hooking up occasionally for several years. Madison (his ex) was so pissed about everything I said that she ran across the cafeteria at him, and I thought she was going to kill him. Everyone that had been at our table panicked and ran away, including me.

So, last night on Tumblr he was posting all of this emo shit about how much he hurt and that he felt like he lost his best friend. He then sent me a message: "I feel like you hate me for some reason.... "

Then, today in school I saw Madison in school, I hugged her and told her I'd bail her out of jail if she killed him. It was at that point that he walked out of the classroom, and so we talked. He couldn't understand why I was so mad at him, and I kept assuring him that I didn't hate him, and that I loved him so much. I love him, but I just can't stand this whole situation. Things were so much easier when he didn't know.

When I saw him after school, we talked for a bit, and he said that he loved me and kissed me on the head. He hasn't told me that he loved me in a long time, and it felt nice. But I still want to slap him a bit.